Dear Lord, give me strength.
It was an interview of Tyler Perry on Fresh Air with Terri Gross that precipitated a flood of memories from my childhood. Perry, who made several movies based on his character Medea, was discussing how his mother, who in the face of abuse from her husband, stayed with her husband until she died. He did not fault his mother for her lack of actions even though he often dreamt of his mother taking him and his siblings to spare them from his father’s abuse. I often wondered why my mother did not leave my father in light of similar circumstances.
Shelter: a place called home
In my mother’s case, she may have been too tired to leave my father’s temper tantrums, depression and general poor behavior. Similar to Tyler Perry’s account, these women didn’t leave partly because their husbands had provided a certain amount of security. As I would learn later, it was my mother’s insistence that my father pursue his G.I. bill benefits. This ultimately led them to purchase their first and only house. In the turbulence that ensued through the 1970’s and ’80s in the family, they still had a roof over their heads.
The prospect of being homeless with no place to turn is a huge motivator for women to stay with abusive men. An interesting coincidence that was part of Tyler Perry’s experience and mine was the fact that our mother’s continued to take care of these men when they grew older. As if taking up the mantle of our mothers, we both continued to care for our fathers after their wives had died.
I will try as he tried
There were times when I questioned my care and attentiveness to my father and his ailments. I rationalized that part of my helping dad was to fulfill her dying wish for me to take care of him. Another part of my brain, and understanding of my faith, was to care for him and be his advocated as he tried to be for me when I was a child. At some point, you just go on auto-pilot and fill the vacuum of care that needs to be filled.
Quality of life
A huge support to me in caring for both my mother and father was the existence of Medicare. Neither of them had health insurance until they became eligible for Medicare. I am certain that if they would have had health insurance, or at least access to quality affordable care, they would have lived longer with fewer complications. As it was, Medicare considerably improved their quality of life in later years.
Medicare, MediCal savior
While mom was able to die in the home she pushed my father to purchase, my father, after a stroke, was confined to a skilled nursing facility. It was a constant haunt to me that I could not help my father stay at home as his health deteriorated. After we exhausted all his assets and sold the home when my mother died, it was only through the grace of MediCal that he was able to receive relatively decent care at the nursing home.
The calling of a child
Many people will not understand why women stay with a husband in less than ideal circumstances. Fewer may comprehend why people like Tyler Perry and I continue the care for our fathers who were not the most exemplary when we were children. Short of honoring our commitments and realizing that not all parents are capable to reciprocate the sort of love we expect, it is difficult to put into words the familial bonds that dictate children care for their aging parents. In hindsight, the greatest support and help I received was from Medicare and MediCal. From my vantage point, Medicare is as valuable to our seniors as it is to the care givers and children of the beneficiaries of these important programs.