The introduction of a bill designed to curb Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) small business lawsuit abuse comes to little and too late for the famed golden hills of San Francisco. Senate Bill 1186 is aimed at curbing the use of so-called demand letters that threaten to file a lawsuit unless the alleged violator agrees to pay large sums to settle out of court.
Bureaucrats take action
Low level bureaucrat Tanya Morris at San Francisco’s ADA compliance office, who actually has more power that both the Mayor and Board of Supervisors, said that in order to make San Francisco accessible to anyone in a motorized wheel chair, they were setting in motion a plan to rebuild the city into the bay on dirt from the leveled hills.
“We have enough dirt under Russian Hill alone to reach Alcatraz”, Morris said. The plan includes carefully relocating all the buildings from the hills and then scraping away the handicap challenging hills to slightly above sea level and depositing the dirt in the bay. Once the dirt and rock has been stabilized, the historic structures, homes and businesses will be relocated to the infill in their relative approximate positions to one another.
History offensive to handicaps
Asked how the San Francisco ADA office would handle such historic multi-story structures such as Coit Tower, Morris said, “Coit Tower is like a giant middle finger to folks that have mobility challenges.” Morris said her office was just responding to the letter from ultra-marathoner Jerry Popkin. Popkin, who just finished the Western States 100 mile endurance run, wrote a letter to San Francisco saying that his excessive, methodical and compulsive running would probably put him in a wheelchair and was wondering if Fisherman’s Wharf had ADA parking spaces.
Liposuction for the city
“Because we take the potential disability of the ultra-athlete like Mr. Popkin’s very seriously, we decided it was best to in essence smooth out the city’s obstacles”, stated Ms. Morris. In a unique analogy fitting of Beverly Hills, Ms. Morris said smoothing out San Francisco’s hilly terrain was like cosmetic surgery sucking out the cellulite, “Everything will be smoother and easier to navigate for wheel chair bound tourists with fat wallets.”
Senator Diane Feinstein, former mayor of San Francisco, said she wouldn’t really miss the hills because she hated having to park her car on them. Governor Brown, former mayor of Oakland said he was worried that extending San Francisco so close to Oakland would encourage the white hipster element to drive up affordable housing prices in downtown Oakland.
Steingberg finds his feminine voice
Asked for comment, current mayor Ed Lee said, “Hey, this is San Francisco, we’re here to
accommodate everyone.” And finally, Darrel Steinberg (D-Flatland Sacramento) co-author of SB 1186, and who wanted to be a mayor of anything, retorted that he thought that it was time that the non-compliant S.F. become more like expansive flat plane of Sacramento. “I am glad to see San Francisco take ADA compliance seriously. I’ve been ignoring the frivolous lawsuit issue for years, but I’ve found religion in the form of that small inner voice called Feinstein telling me I need to do something now.”