Globe confirms Obama is the Hawaiian Messiah


Grocery store tabloid proof that Obama in Kenyan.

While standing in the check-out line of my favorite warehouse style bulk foods supermarket I was greeted by final confirmation that President Barack Obama is actually a Kenyan. Headline news from the Globe announced there was final proof that Obama is not a native born red blooded American!

Slow check out lane reveals truth

I was shocked that the other shoppers had not noticed this headline and they were not applauding this crack investigative reporting by the Globe. It was only because of the delay caused by women in front of me, with 3 crying kids and fumbling with her food stamps to pay her grocery bill because her husband had been laid off from the hyper-inflated housing construction market, did I have time to read the headline and snap a picture. If Obama had not expanded the food stamp program to help unemployed construction workers I never would have seen the Globe headline.

Puerto Rico to replace Hawaii as state

Where the main stream media has failed, the Globe has been unable to uncover the horrendous cover up by Hawaiian officials over the Obama birth certificate. Hawaii is obviously a rogue state that needs to be stripped of its statehood and have it given to the non-binding presidential primary voting unincorporated territory known as Puerto Rico. They never would have let this “birther” rouge go on for so long.

Hawaiian Witch Doctors issue marriage licenses

If Obama’s Hawaiian birth certificate is a fake, what about my marriage 20 years ago* on the Big Island? I knew something did not seem right when we had to go to a grass hut to get our marriage license. What state issues marriage licenses in a structure that could double as a witch doctor’s office? Then we had this preacher, who I suspect was a non-denominational Unitarian Universalist officiating the wedding. Who ever heard of getting married by a guy in white pants and white shoes? I never authorized a Pat Boone look-a-like to marry me.

Obama was model for baby Jesus

The final nail in the coffin of this conspiracy theory is, and it all makes sense now, was the nativity scene. Hawaii allows baby Jesus to be portrayed as having brown skin. We all know that the founding father of the United States of America was white. But guess who that brown baby represented? That’s right, Barack Obama. Hawaii has been nursing the notion that Obama is a native born Hawaiian messiah for over 20 years.

Hawaii made my son a bastard

Not only do we have an illegitimate President, my Hawaiian marriage is probably a fake which makes my son a bastard. My only option is to call the chief counsel for Proposition 8 anti-same sex marriage amendment, Andy Pugno, and have him sue Hawaii for my pain and suffering. Because this will be a monumental battle for truth, I will be moving to Hawaii, indefinitely, until this issue is resolved.

*Further damning proof that my life is a sham for conservatives: we were married on the day Bill Clinton was elected President. There is not enough poi to wash this bitter taste out of my mouth.

Breaking News:

Donald Trump supports Kevin Knauss Hawaiian conspiracy theory

Donald Trump, who is married to Melania Knauss, of whom I can’t be certain there is no familial connection to me, continues to support that not only is Obama’s birth certificate suspect, The Donald, is also calling all the universities that Obama attended to release the Obama transcripts. Trump can smell a conspiracy, even though he did let that trans sexual guy/gal compete in some Miss Universe type competition, and he is not letting go. It is evident that Hawaii has colluded with different universities to help Obama matriculate up the collegiate school ladder so that they can finally have the honor of a Hawaiian President. Trump will not let this. Go get them Donald and say hi to Melania, who I am certain is related to me some how.

  • Frank Casanova

    You should consider doing more comedy writing. This was hilarious!!!

    • Kevin Knauss

      I am waiting for a “Birther” blog to pick up on it as confirmation of the conspiracy.

  • Maria

    Honestly I’m surprised it took you this long to realise Hawaii is just a bunch of crack ups. I mean, who is that Pat Boone guy marrying you guys anyway? Yes, be suspicious, very very suspicious.

    • Kevin Knauss

      The preacher looks a little like Donald Trump. {:o